On selective listening

I battle with Complex PTSD.

One side effect of this is that I am constantly reminded of the past. Today I have been reminded of all manner of hateful things that a handful of unkind people (who were quite close to me) drilled into me.
Today has been a particularly trying day, but I have glimpsed truth.

What if they are right?

What if I am lazy?
What if I am a fool?
What if…
…I don’t know the value of an activity?
…I have no skills of value to contribute?
…I am not a good mom?
…my friends only put up with me because they are being nice?
…I am fat, ugly, worthless?
…I am unwanted and unwelcome by every person that has ever met me?

Even if it were all true...

God still loves me. Value is an economic term that is proven through exchange. I am among those purchased by Jesus invaluable blood. By that exchange I am invaluable. God is my father and he will walk with me into the world as I try and make the world a better place with my feeble efforts. The Holy Spirit is with me. God brought me to writing for my flourishing, his joy, and because whether I have something to contribute today or not.

I will.

Therefore, I am free to throw myself into my work with all the joyful abandon of a child. One who knows her father delights in her, as she plays with the toys he has given to her.

I know those questions aren't fully true in all moments. Sometimes, they are true in brief, real, and sad ways. Some of those questions imply a complete lie.

For years I have had people rooting for me.
I always thought they must be fools if they were rooting for me
(Never mind their competence, talent, credentials, and skill).
I know better now.

If you have ever believed in me. First, Thank you. I should have listened sooner.


I'm listening now.


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